Wow.

I have decided that life is definitely.... an adventure...  unpredictable.  

These last few weeks and months have got me thinking about things I never thought I would think about, questioning things I never thought I would question, and looking at things from a completely different perspective.  

I have experienced things over the last month that I would never have guessed I would have experienced. 

 

I have had thoughts and experienced emotions that have left me speechless, empty, full, happier than I have ever been, and sadder than I thought possible... one after the other and in no predictable order.

I have said goodbye to my Dad, said hello again to my very best friends in the World, and on the way have opened my own eyes to a new World of possibilities.  Possibilities which have the potential to take me in new (yet old) directions and lead me to wonders I never thought I would see, yet at the same time manage to be almost terrifying in their enormity.

I am now all at once completely confused and ridiculously focused ~ I know what I want but don't have any idea how to get it.

And through it all, time goes by.  Ticking away unbearably fast when I need it to slow down, and dragging on for an eternity when I need it to speed up.  

For the first time in my life I find myself almost completely focused on me, on what I want, what I need. It's very odd.  I usually consider what I want and then adapt it just enough to make it right for everyone else while still making me happy, but this time my wants and needs are so overpowering that I can't even consider changing them.  I know that I will end up doing all I can to make any changes as easy for everyone else as possible, but I get the feeling that if there comes a crossroad, and the path I want is free and clear... I'm going down the path I want.  The people-pleaser part of my personality is having major issues with this, but you know what?  The other part of me, the part that has been content to sit quietly for so long, that part wants to stand up and cheer.

I don't know what's happening to me; I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, and certainly not next year.  I just know that something has to change, and it has to be big, and it has to be sooner rather than later or I might just lose my mind.

The fact that I'm writing all this and posting it in the weird blogosphere cosmos where no-one will read it  is bizarre in the first place, the fact that I'm serious..... well, that's just..... wow.